Control…

Jack suffers from crippling anxiety which manifests itself as control issues. It smothers everything and I liken it to being in an abusive relationship, both emotionally and physically. My love for him is unwavering and when I think about it, I’m surprised that I never find myself annoyed with him. My heart breaks for him instead. With every emotional outburst, every physical outburst, I just feel bad for him. I always try to look for the root cause of the behaviour instead of focusing on the behaviour itself. I try to understand, which can be easier said than done. The times when I don’t understand I’m left in turmoil, so disappointed in myself that I can’t mind read. As you know, his anxiety spiked around March time. No particular reason really, he just lost control. There’s that word again.

It’s a funny thing to get your head around when you give it some thought, the fact that a 5 year old sufferes such terrible anxiety. Everyone says how lovely it is to be a child but I’ve always disagreed. I guess I disliked being a child. So many things are completely out of their control, things that really matter to them, things that matter to us too. I find it so frustrating that some people don’t give children the autonomy they deserve. They may be young (and short!) but their feelings are just as big as ours, their wishes just as important as ours and to disrespect them without so much as a conversation about it is just wrong. We all know that children can’t have the final say in many situations, but they need those reasons explaining to them, we have to help them see why certain things have to be done a ceraitn way sometimes. Anyway, I digress. Jack has been given a Psychologist as a result of his anxiety and control issues. We met with her a few weeks ago and I can honestly say, hand on heart, it was the best appointment we’ve had for him. Finally being given the opportunity to talk and be listened to about his emotional and behavioural issues felt so good. Don’t get me wrong, it was depressing at times but I’m proud of how I handled that. We were able to talk about his life so far and have a little laugh about how difficult it’s been when we look back on it. That’s massive progress for me, it used to make me weep.

Jack’s Psychologist will hopefully help us to enable him to relinquish some control and I already know that I’m going to find it difficult to do. It’s going to cause distress and anxiety but I know that it is a road worth travelling, for his sake and mine.

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