Finding me…

It can be a funny life, having a mix of typical children and a not so typical child, one that has highs higher than I’ve ever experienced and lows so low that you think you might drown at any second. We all know how easy it is to lose yourself when raising children, often putting their needs above your own but with a child who needs that bit extra, sometimes you end up totally lost. Not in a parenting sense, your goals there are clear even if the path seems a bit twisty turny at times. Lost in an individual sense. The constant demands, the never ending hospital appointments, the new things been thrown your way all the time which you have to suddenly become an expert in, the trying to keep ahead of the game, the constant monitoring of things, the constant nappy changes, (I could go on and on!) sap your energy and with that you often find yourself giving up on you because you just can’t do anymore. Things you loved to do fall by the way side, sliding down the list of importance so fast it’s like an elevator with its cable cut. And then boom! Your brain is so fried that you need to start again, re build the way you function, re evaluate the things you do, try and find that over used word, balance. There hasn’t been much balance in my life for a long time, it’s been very all or nothing, but slowly I’ve been working on my mindset, remembering the things that bring me joy (and only me) and thinking of ways to fit them into the list of non negotiable demands placed upon me. It’s been a long time coming, lots of audio books listened to as I drift, ha! who am I kidding, crash into sleep, there’s been lots of thinking back to things that I’ve enjoyed over the last few years, things that have made me feel god, feel powerful and energised. And I realised the strangest thing ( well, it’s strange if you know me). Exercise. Yup, that thing that I always claim I hate, the thing that I actively avoid doing. One of my most used phrases is “Really guys? But you know that Mummy doesn’t run!” It’s that that does it for me. The feeling of really using your body, feeling like you couldn’t push on for one more second or you might actually die that brings me joy. It made me pull a face when I realised it but here I am. Recently I’ve been waking up each morning actually excited about which work out I was going to do that day, how hard I could push myself whilst still listening to my body and still live to tell the tale, how good I would feel after. And it’s not about changing my body. It’s about enjoying myself and honouring the body that allows me to do all of the things that I need to do each day (and night!). It’s about giving myself more energy, more strength, that half hour a day just for me that makes me feel good once I’m done. Over the years I’ve abused my body, I’ve starved her, driven her into the ground, pushed her to her limits and not cared one bit when she gave me signals that she couldn’t do anymore. This loving and honouring my body is a whole new way of thinking for me, one that I’m not having to push, one that is coming naturally for me, and one that I’m quietly proud of.

I’d love to hear about how you make time for you and the things that you, and only you, love to do.

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